I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
