FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
