he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
