Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize