the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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