i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
