How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
