matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just puked most of my soul out..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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