Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
