I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
