so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
