They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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