"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
