when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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