Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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