I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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