i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
