So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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