I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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