You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
