Your face is a jimmy john
Yo dont text me then not text me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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