Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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