Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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