were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize