There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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