There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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