Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
