Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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