She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
