Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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