Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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