well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
