He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
