I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
