Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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