buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
