I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
