So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
