just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
