Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
