So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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