im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
