Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
