I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
