could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
