is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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