cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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