My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
