Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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