i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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