I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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