i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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