we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
this just has baby written all over it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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