Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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