Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how do flat chested girls get laid?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
