4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
