My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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