I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
