i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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