I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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