Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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