we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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